Do people want to hear what I have to say? Will it be helpful to me and/or others? What would I even talk about? All of that has been a barrier for getting started over the years. And, more than anything, time was the biggest barrier.
Since Elise passed away on Christmas Day, all I have had is time. Elise took around the clock care for almost the entirety of her 15 years of life. There was very little time that wasn't filled with feeding, drinking, toileting, changing, transportation, medication, seizure management, etc. It was A LOT! I know that, but not providing for all of her needs was not an option.
On Christmas Day, all of that changed. Suddenly, the vast majority of the way my time was spent came to an end. There was no longer a need for all of the above items. I know there should be tremendous relief that all of those responsibilities are no longer a part of my life, but it WAS my life. That is how I spent almost all of my time. Now she is gone. What am I supposed to do with my time?
I am so far removed from the profession that I trained for, the hobbies that I used to do and the things that used to occupy my time before kids that I am completely lost. I am struggling most days just to figure out what to do with myself. Over the last couple of years, many of my days were spent texting back and forth with Elise's teacher during the school day, communicating with doctors and nurses, communicating with caregivers that worked for us and communicating with Kelly about whatever was going on. Many of the constraints put on my time had become so overwhelming that I was barely able to keep myself afloat. Yet, somehow I managed.
I know I will figure it out. I know it has been less than a month since Elise passed away. But, neither of those sentiments make the lost feeling any easier. I'm not going to start writing that book yet. But, I am going to go back to blogging as I work to figure myself out.
