Patience

Outside of our mother, I can't recall anyone in my family having patience. It is safe to say that the Ballard clan is not well known for their patience in many circumstances. As I sit here in Elise's hospital room watching her, I find myself asking God, as I have done hundreds of times before, "Isn't there a different way I could learn this lesson?" I know this isn't all about me, but I can almost guarantee that I am learning a lot more than Elise is during all of this.

Life with a cancer kid, followed by all of the complications that she has experienced in life, has been one HUGE exercise in patience. When we started on this journey 11 years ago I used to think about how we were not a very patient society. That has only become more definitive over the past 11 years. For crying out loud, we have mobile ordering for fast food because we don't want to wait in line 3 minutes to pick up our meal! We want everything now! But, what happens when all you have to do is be patient?

Yesterday we learned that Elise is dealing with something called an Ileus. You can click the link if you want to know more about it. The most challenging aspect of this diagnosis is that treatment is.........time. There is no medication to be given. No therapy to speed things along. No awesome Google search to discover a random method being used in Italy that will provide a quick cure. Nothing. Nada. All it takes is time. And ultimately.........patience. Like anyone, I didn't do so well with the whole patience thing in the beginning. Honestly, there are still days where that is the case. But, over time, I have made slow progress.

I recall in the first few days of Elise's cancer diagnosis she was getting ready to take a bath. In order to do that we had to remove one bandage and replace it with something water proof. It was painful to remove it, so they recommended that a parent work on it slowly with some adhesive remover and a bit of patience. When the nurse came back several minutes into me working on this she said, "Wow Elise. Your dad is really patient!" I figured she was just trying to bribe me because that obviously was not true. But, it was important to me to set her up for the least amount of pain. Doing it right the first time would ensure that we didn't have to stop and do this over again, which would likely cause even more pain. So, patience won out.

As I mentioned in my last blog post about perception, patience is also a matter of control. We all want to feel in control of our lives, of what is happening with us/to us, etc. When things begin to get out of our control then our perception changes, we lose control of our emotions and suddenly we are all out of patience. We learned quickly when dealing with cancer exactly how much was under our control. Just a hint, in many things in life there is VERY LITTLE under your control. As soon as I was able to come to terms with what I could control and then learn to be patient with the things that I could not control, I found it became much easier for me. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a conscious decision that suddenly changed my life overnight. This has taken YEARS to hone and get better at.

Just a couple of months before Elise's cancer diagnosis, Kelly had worked on a craft project with the girls. She traced their feet, cut them out, and then glued their footprints onto a piece of paper with the poem below written by an unknown author.

Walk a little slower Daddy

"Walk a little slower, Daddy!" said a little child so small.

"I'm following in your footsteps and I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast, sometimes they're hard to see;
So walk a little slower Daddy, for you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up, you're what I want to be.
Then I will have a little child who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right, and know that I was true;
So, walk a little slower, Daddy, for I must follow you!!"

I keep this project by my desk all these years later. It is obviously much more significant to me today than it was when it was given to me. It was a cute reminder to slow down and enjoy those times when the girls were little. Today it is a constant reminder that I don’t need to rush through everything in life. Just as I am experiencing with Elise in the hospital now, she cannot be rushed. There is no need to hurry because we are seldom happy with the results when we are finished. With a bit of patience, we can endure everything. Some days we enjoy everything and some days we endure everything. We will get through to the end no matter what, but I will always look for the path that requires a bit of patience and the least resistance.