Comfort In - Dump Out

I have enjoyed being back home with my family since Elise was discharged from the hospital. While there was very little time in the hospital that felt dire, it was exhausting nonetheless. Nobody likes to move away from their routine, especially if it happens suddenly and unexpectedly.

Many times during her stay, and a few times since being home, I have been reminded of an article that I have shared with many people over the years. Lots of people have reached out to me to ask how I would recommend they talk with someone going through something difficult, what they should do, shouldn't do, etc. While I am far from an expert in this area, I often times share with them an article that my sister shared with me more than seven years ago. You can read it here. I highly encourage everyone to read it, process it, think about various situations in your own life, and then put it in to practice. The article makes it seem easy, but trust me it is not.

It is human nature to want to help. We all want to not be uncomfortable in any situation. It will all be okay if we can just do or say the right thing right? Not usually. Isn't that more about making us more comfortable rather than being helpful to the other person? I have been confronted with this very issue myself in the past week. I have several friends that have kids going through medical procedures, surgeries and therapies. I can identify with all of them in some way, but not totally with any of them. It would be very easy for me to say, "I know what you are going through. This is what I did." But, that would not be helpful. Even if I am close to their inner circle, that is dangerous territory. Instead, find another way to be helpful.

When I first took a job working for K-State, I moved to Manhattan and lived in my sister's basement while my family stayed in KC for more than a year. I was fortunate that my sister and brother in law were willing to take me in. During that time my brother in law was in the middle of his own battle with lung cancer. I was less than two years removed from going through Elise's own cancer battle. For the most part, I knew what they were going through. I do think there was some comfort in it being me in their house because I wasn't too likely to say something stupid even if unintentionally. There didn't have to be pretending for my own protection. Cancer is ugly and you should be able to put your guard down in your own household. I was a caregiver for my daughter just like my sister was the caregiver for her husband. While there are a lot of similarities in our journey's they are certainly not the same. I really tried to be mindful of "Comfort in, dump out" as the article stated. This was a good exercise for me in being able to see past my own struggles.

When it comes to anything medical I can easily slip myself into the "comfort in, dump out" mentally. It comes almost naturally to me now. Sometimes I have to take a step back and ensure that I have truly thought about it, but I generally know my place in the circle. But, outside of medical stuff, that is not always the case for me. The article mentions that you can use this for medical, legal, financial, romantic, etc. I am very comfortable using this when talking about medical issues with friends, family and just people that I come across. But, I don't have as much experience in all the other areas. Therefore, I'm pretty quick to instead say the wrong thing and be judgemental. Most often that is not my intent, but it is most natural. When someone talks with me about their financial struggles or marital struggles, I want to be caring and compassionate. That compassion shouldn't always come out as "well have you tried this?" I know that is not helpful. But, I am human too.

During this holiday season and beyond, I hope that you will consider this "comfort in, dump out" strategy. Lean heavy on the comfort portion and find someone in the outer circle that you can "dump" with. I bet you will find that it makes everyone feel better to use this strategy and you won't feel near as awkward the next time you are put into an uncomfortable position without knowing the right thing to say. Give it a try!