One thing I love about this time of year are the number of stories I see and read about amazing acts of compassion in our world. Does it truly happen more at this time of year, or do we just more easily find it around the holidays?
In our family, we have been blessed with tremendous acts of kindness from people we have known well and some people that we never knew at all. I cannot recall the number of amazing things that people have done for my family that have been both large and small. When I really think about it, it is pretty mind boggling. What leads a person to be so giving toward others? That is the million dollar question for fundraisers and nonprofits every day. But, the average citizen like myself gives very little thought to the why.
“Who can save a child from a burning house without
taking the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story
of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing
similar pains in his own heart and even losing his precious peace of
mind? In short: “Who can take away suffering without entering it?”- Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society
For a number of years I have been collecting quotes that I keep in my phone. One quote that I stumbled upon many years ago is from Henri Nouwen above. Honestly, the whole thing is too long for my memory, so I just have "Who can take away suffering without entering it?" For some reason that quote really stuck with me after reading it. I can see in myself the ability to do this, which was not there before. Why was it not there before anyway? Thinking back, I believe it was just a lack of understanding or experience.
I come from a family full of health problems. Fortunately, I had zero experience with cancer in anyone that I knew in my family prior to Elise's diagnosis. It was a world that I could not comprehend. When I would see someone in public with their head bald from chemo and a mask on their face (before it was cool), I would avoid them at all costs. I didn't want this sick person getting ME sick! I had no idea that they wore a mask for their own protection. I also had no idea that people did treatment for cancer other than chemo. There are actually people WITH hair getting other treatments? Who knew? But, entering in to that suffering in my own family better equipped me to sit with someone else as they are suffering in their own way.
Entering in to the suffering of others requires you to be willing to be uncomfortable as well. It is easy to say, "I just can't see them in this condition" or "it makes me too sad to do this", but in the end is it really easier? Those times where I have taken the easy way out I have always come to regret later. Maybe you can't truly sit in the middle of someone's suffering in your mind. But, can you truly hope to help them if you aren't willing to enter their world?
I recall a time when Elise was tremendously sick in the midst of chemotherapy and she ended up in the ICU on a ventilator. We had been in this room for several days and things weren't looking to improve anytime soon. Several kids we knew from the cancer floor had made their way to the ICU while we were there as well. A couple of them had managed to improve to the point of going back to the regular patient floor. But sadly, a few of them did not make it and passed away while in the ICU. Just as it is now, there aren't a lot of dad's hanging around the hospital rooms and sitting with their kids. But, I had come to know one other father who had lost his job after his daughter's first battle with cancer. Now, about a year later he was still unemployed and they were back in the hospital because her cancer was back. Things for that family were very difficult. While out having dinner with their extended family they got a call to return to the hospital immediately because something was not going well for their daughter. A short time later, surrounded by her family, she passed away. Cancer treatment is NOT easy at any point. It is particularly difficult when families going through the same thing are losing a loved one around you.
Once that family had finished all they had to do, they stopped by our ICU room to tell us goodbye and wish us well. These people were at the cusp of the worst suffering I could ever imagine, and they spent 5 minutes encouraging us. Who does that? I'm pretty sure I would want to get out of there and never speak of the place again. Some people choose that route. But, some people also choose the route of encouraging others. Now, more than 10 years later, I don't remember their names but I remember that act of kindness. Typing it out I can still feel my discomfort with the whole situation. More than anything I wanted to show them empathy and dear God not to say anything stupid! Fortunately, Kelly had misunderstood something that the mother said and let out a REALLY loud laugh. Nothing cuts the tension like inappropriate laughter in the ICU!
Most people won't have a story about entering the suffering of others this way. For that I am thankful. But, people are suffering in so many ways from so many things. We can all relate if we are just willing to enter into it with them and be uncomfortable ourselves. Maybe it isn't actually talking with someone about their suffering. Maybe it is taking a hold of one small burden and doing it for them. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It can be anything! We can all say, "if someone would just do 'this' for me, I would be so relieved." Whatever that is for you, others probably feel the same way. Mow their lawn, buy them coffee, watch their kids, do their grocery shopping, or just sit on their patio and chat with them when it is convenient for both of you.
It is not rocket science, but it can be uncomfortable. Lean in to that discomfort and the next time it won't be quite so bad. Let's all make it our mission to show more compassion to others. It isn't too late for 2020, and you don't have to wait for the holidays to come around next year to get started either.
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